Looking Deeper
Ever ask someone who’s been retired a year or so, “How are you doing?” The typical answer is, “I’m so busy I don’t know how I ever had time to go to work!” Think about that. You inquired about their well-being in retirement and “busy” is the response. Most of us would not even consider that odd.
Or maybe you’ve addressed your own work dissatisfaction with a job change or relocation, only to find after six months that you’re feeling the same discontent that led you to make the change in the first place. What is that about? This common occurrence often leads to fantasies about winning the lottery or receiving a magnificent inheritance from some long-lost relative. We conclude the problem must be work itself. After all, who’s really happy with their job?
I’ve known people who frequently immersed themselves in serious but short-term relationships. Things start out great, but soon enough, the other person’s shortcomings outweigh their positive attributes.
“Whatever happened to…?”
“Oh, well. You know. They weren’t really my type.”
When it comes to personal life change, it’s easy to get distracted by busy and different. Numb or distract. Both are popular short-term diversions that keep us from the deeper, harder work of self-discovery. We assume our dissatisfaction is external to ourselves and avoid looking within–perhaps because we’re subconsciously afraid of what we’ll discover.
As we’ve discussed here before, throughout your life others have had a script they needed you to follow. Parents. Teachers and coaches. Employers. Spouses. Society at large. We are deeply immersed in systems that aren’t inherently bad or wrong, but they do create enormous pressure to conform to a role that others need us to follow. People who don’t play along usually face social consequences.
While the mid-life crisis has been most popularized in books and movies, we know that other predictable turning points occur, about once a decade. We find ourselves feeling dissatisfied, bored, or worse, right around any birthday that ends with a zero. Sometimes we can’t quite put our finger on our dis-ease. We just know this isn’t the life we expected or intended. Because we are so enmeshed in these societal systems, we can’t even see our way out, other than to try busy or different. A different job or relationship. We immerse ourselves in something…anything that keeps the internal dissonance to a minimum. And thus, we go from decade to decade without really addressing any deeper reality.
We are not being true to ourselves.
Remember The Matrix, that Keanu Reeves movie from (checks Google) twenty-two years ago?! That can’t be right. Anyway, people either loved it or hated it. The scene that always hits hardest for me is when Morpheus offers Neo either a red pill that will open his eyes to a potentially disturbing reality, or the blue pill that will let him return to a life that, while illusory, requires nothing of him.
What a metaphor for all of us. Every ten years or so, most people find themselves at a similar crossroads, trying to make a choice. And the majority of the time, we reach for the equivalent of the blue pill. We choke down our dreams. Convince ourselves we are expecting too much, it would be too hard, then settle back into the roles that were created for us by others.
Have you ever met someone who startled you by how alive they were?
• Their eyes reflect joy and satisfaction
• Their creativity is usually off the charts
• Their self-confidence and inner strength is palpable
• They appear impervious to the opinions of others
If you were to talk to them, really get to know them, you would usually find that part of their journey to freedom involved:
• Disappointing others
• Stepping outside their assigned roles
• Abandoning societal and familial expectations
• Rejecting the need to fit in at any cost
That was the high price of their freedom. And yet here they are. Free. Satisfied. At peace.
Look, I don’t have a leather trench coat or cool sunglasses like Laurence Fishburne’s character in The Matrix, but I can guide you on your own journey of self-discovery.
• Recovering your natural abilities, skills, interests, and personality
• Exploring your own values, and how those are alike and different from the values assigned you at an early age
• Finding your personal mission–your truest north star
Yes, it can be frightening. But it is liberating as well. A Second Rodeo is your chance to bypass busy and different and finally discover your truest self, from the inside out. Give me a call and let’s get started.
Note: I just became aware that the term “Red Pill” is being used as code for embracing far-right, conspiratorial political views. Obviously, that’s not my intended usage here. But I love this illustration too much to let it go!
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