Finding Myself
In a “truth is stranger than fiction” story last week, Beyhan Mutlu was having a good time, drinking with friends in the Bursa province of Turkey. After one too many, he stumbled off into the woods and disappeared. When he didn’t return, his wife and friends grew concerned. Early the next morning he was reported missing, and a search party was deployed.
At some point, the man awakened, presumably still intoxicated, and seeing the commotion, joined the search party. “I thought there had been an accident,” he said. Some time passed before he realized people were shouting his name. “Here I am,” he shouted back. It was at that moment he discovered who the crowd was looking for.
There are conflicting reports on this story, with the embarrassed Mr. Mutlu insisting the whole thing was overblown. But the internet could not help seeing a deeper truth in the story. Numerous social media posts concluded, “We’re all just trying to find ourselves.”
There comes a point for many where our dissatisfaction with what is and a yearning to discover what else is there? converge. The search for one’s self is a common trope in books and movies.
Upon receiving news of a terminal illness, the protagonist sets out to pursue as many experiences as possible in a quest for meaning.
A bored, middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, complete with a divorce and red sports car. (Spoiler alert–it always backfires.)
The successful lead character leaves everything behind and runs off to an ashram to study with a guru, or to Provence or Northern Italy to find love and happiness. Enlightenment ensues.
It’s equally true that many folks never encounter this inflection point at all. Those of us who are prone to self-reflection sometimes envy their approach to life. And yet we experience a restlessness to know more, do more, be more that can’t be contained.
My own search for self has been an ongoing process rather than a once-in-a-lifetime upheaval. To recycle an overused cliché, it’s been like peeling the layers of an onion. No matter how deep you go, it’s still an onion. I’ve never not been me. But I’m a much different me than I was even a few years ago. Hopefully better. I have greater awareness of what makes me tick, what motivates me, and why I sometimes still don’t practice what I preach.
Reading has played a huge role of my own self-discovery. I read widely and deeply in areas of psychology, sociology, self-help, and spirituality to name a few. For the past several years, much of my study has been for the purpose of growing my sub-specialty of coaching (Second Rodeo.) Inevitably though, what I learned had deep relevance for my own life. Just as reading a book about fitness does not automatically lead to rippling muscles and greater endurance, reading alone doesn’t automatically change my character or perspective on life. But it does reveal what I want/need to change.
Relationships continue to be another huge catalyst for personal growth. (I wrote on this in more detail a few months ago.) I try to purposefully expand my network of wise people who don’t let their egos drive their behaviors. I’ve also had to let go of some relationships that are simply toxic. But there’s another, third category of people I’m monitoring–those people who are not necessarily easy to be around, but who push me to choose between my “best self” response and my instinctive response. This is the hardest category to manage, but I think it’s where I’m most likely to experience growth.
In all these relationships, I’m trying to solicit and act on the feedback of those who see my actions and attitudes in ways that I can’t yet see on my own. That’s a huge growth edge for me; I’ll get back to you when I have more to report!
Travel deserves an article of its own because it is such an eye-opener into self and how narrow our own perspective on life can be. Here’s an example–some years ago, we were equipping community leaders in Zimbabwe during a time of extreme hardship in that country. All Zimbabaweans were experiencing yet another round of hyper-inflation. Essentials like petrol, food, and medicines were almost non-existent. An elderly pastor told me, “You Americans define poverty as merely the absence of money. We define it as the absence of community. Community is the highest value in times of crisis. If you have a carrot and I have a potato, at least we can share a bowl of soup together.” In that instant I knew I was the poorest person in that room. The subsequent inventory revealed a scarcity of meaningful relationships in my own life, which led to more intentional connections.
Self-Reflective Tools and Processes are my stock in trade. Most of the tools I’ve created or recommend are simply paths to self-understanding. I use various psychometric and aptitude assessments in my coaching practice because they frequently lead to those “Ah hah!” moments. If you’ve downloaded my free 30-day journal, you’ll find daily prompts. They aren’t necessarily easy to answer because they ask you to look behind the obvious and dig a little deeper. Journaling has been one of my almost-daily practices since the late nineties. It all started when a mentor told me that “Wisdom won’t automatically come through experience alone. It comes from reflecting on your life’s experiences.” It may have been just a casual statement, but it became a guiding principle of my life. Even when I was a young man, I longed to become a wise person who could impact the lives of others. Decades of regularly processing my own thoughts and feelings have moved me, at least a bit, in the right direction. I am still discovering more about who I am and where I need to renovate my character and my life, and expect to discover more until the day I die.
All this is simply to drive home the point that we aren’t likely to discover the best answer to what we should do next until we reflect on who we want to become next. Second Rodeo is based on the premise that life is a series of exciting possibilities to refine or even reinvent ourselves. But it’s not easy.
We’ve all been tested in the crucible of life’s struggles. but sometimes the meaning behind those struggles in hard to find on our own. If you are still processing of self-discovery, reach out through our website. The first call’s free and I look forward to hearing about your own journey.
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Originally published at https://www.yoursecondrodeo.com/blog